and i just wanna be...

I want to be as free as the spirits of those who left
I'm talking Malcom, Coltrane, my man Yusef
Through death through conception
New breath and resurrection
For moms, new steps in her direction
In the right way
Told inside is where the fight lay
And everything a nigga do may not be what he might say
Chicago nights stay, stay on the mind
But I write many lives and lay on these lines
Wave the signs of the times
Many say the grind's on the mind
Shorties blunted-eyed and everyone wanna rhyme
Bush pushing lies, killers immortalized
We got arms but won't reach for the skies
Waiting for the Lord to rise
I look into my daughter's eyes
And realize that I'm gonna learn through her
The Messiah, might even return through her
If I'm gonna do it, I gotta change the world through her
Furs and a Benz, gramps wantin 'em
Demons and old friends, pops they hauntin' him
The chosen one from the land of the frozen sun
When drunk nights get remembered more than sober ones
Walk like warriors, we were never told to run
Explored the world to return to where my soul begun
Never looking back or too far in front of me
The present is a gift
and I just wanna BE

fuck nick and nora

93' till infinity - souls of mischief
everyday struggle - The Notorious B.I.G.
Breakout - N.E.R.D.
The Good Life - Kanye West
Electric Relaxation - A Tribe Called Quest
C.R.E.A.M. - Wu Tang Clan
Daydreamin' - Lupe Fiasco
Seed 2.0 - The Roots
Black Mags - The Cool Kids
Say - Method Man
When the Last Time - Clipse
Intergalactic - Beastie Boys
Anouncement - Common
Cupids Chokehold - Gym Class Heroes
Whats Golden - Jurrasic 5
Since youve been gone - Kelly Clarkson

what is fear?

What is fear?
it makes you sweat,
it makes you nervous,
it makes your heart race.
you ask me what fear is and i tell you its helplessness,
an emotion that leaves you petrified,
a feeling so assholeish and butholeworthy that you hate it.

but sometimes its motivation,
like "oh shit im going to die, better do something about that"
or "i dont want to lose you, i have to do something"

it drives us to do crazy things,
it drives us to do things outside of our comfort levels if and only if we conquer it.
it makes us crazy,
it makes us confused,
and it sends chills down our spines.

fear lives within all of us.
it lives within me,
it lives within you,
and if you think it doesn't,
you're crazy.

fear is an adverb
i fear losing my leg
i fear losing sports
i fear losing happiness.

most importantly though,
fear is a bitch.
a bitch that i shall overcome.
a bitch that has the balls to stand up to me,
and stare me down.
a bitch that i can look in the eyes and say...


suck my dick.


Currently listening to-
93 till infinity - souls of mischief

friday night at home

its friday,
i choose to spend it with shark week on mute on the tv and listen to biggies ready to die album.

it occurs to me that biggie is a genius. specificaly in his song entitled everyday struggle. his story and flow connect you emotionaly to his music. the mellow beat and his infectious flow put you in such a good mood. i could listen to this for the rest of the night and be satisfied.

today was boring. i dont understand what it is, but ive been really bored lately and at the same time maybe a smidge depressed. i really have no reason to be, i mean i got lots of good friends, people that make me happy and that i can trust, thats all you really need nowadays. i guess its just that im lonely. i mean i am sitting here listening to biggy and watching tv.

reguardless, i really wanted to go out tonight but someone flaked on me again. i think that this mother fucker is really the only one of my friends that i dont really trust with anything anymore. hes so unreliable and really all it does is piss me off.

im probably gonna read my book and listen to biggie for the rest of the night.
later days

currently listening to
Mo' Money, Mo' Problems - The Notorious B.I.G.

the one book i enjoy

oh hi,
it is amazing to me the amount of negativity there is in this world today. i sit here asking myself, why can i be so happy in a time of war and depression? why is it that when shit happens i can stand up and smile? why is it that my desired profession is inching further and further away from me and yet i still keep truckin, still keep my motivation at where i think is its highest point yet?
ive been thinking these things for a while now and decided i needed a little re assurance. it is then that i decided to go out and buy a book called A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson, a book i originally read in the hospital, where i spent nearly 2 weeks and almost died from a staph infection. it not only got me through such a painful time but it changed me. all the negativity built up inside, hatred and built up anger, were released almost immediately. it cleared my head, and i believe it made me a better person. it just all made sense to me.
it talks about how love is one of the most important aspects of live. you may be thinking love in terms of love in relationship but that is not the only definition of the term. it is an energy, one that cannot be seen or touched, but only felt. an energy that can change the mood of a room or motivate the minds of the unsure or depressed. an energy that i feel is important to utilize in every day life.
halfway through rereading the book i am re inspired to help others. i realize now that i wanted to become a physical thereapist so that i may do so. ive pondered the many other careers which envolve this and i might look into counseling, or psychiatry.
"Love is within us. It cannot be destroyed, but can only be hidden. The world we knew as children is still buried within our minds."
Currently listening to - Everyday Struggle - the Notorious B.I.G.